First, it’s been a month since I posted because I got stuck on posting one specific post that I’ve been working on for, like.. ever. It’s a hard post so I’ve been struggling to complete it and for some reason, I couldn’t move past it without finishing. However, when I saw today’s prompt: Unravel, I was inspired. I’ve been doing some personal work (sans therapist since she’s been on maternity leave!) and this topic resonates with me and where I feel I’m at lately.
As of this post we are still 18 days, 13 hours, and 28 minutes until the Spring Equinox and due to the unseasonable weather this sweet little bud is already making an appearance!
We moved into our new home at the end of September last year so we have yet to witness the green season. While I am looking forward to seeing what blooms & grows in our front and back yards; I certainly don’t want it to hurry, everything in it’s own time, you know, let’s not rush it!
That said, I do wish I could be a little more like Spring, open to blooming and growing regardless of the circumstances. No hesitating, just unabashedly doing my thing.
It’s amazing what a proper mental health diagnosis can do for the treatment and healing process.
Some of my current issues with anxiety are due to an irrational fear of death and dying. It’s not irrational in the sense that I have experienced a lot of loss. Over the last five years or so logic has flown out the window and I can often be found lying awake at night either watching my wife’s chest rise and fall or seriously spinning out of control thinking that I will not wake in the morning. I can go for periods of time without the suffocating fear and most recently, I realized that news of death, generally of someone I have known is the trigger for up to a week or more of sleepless nights… for me and my wife! So what does this have to do with today’s prompt Sound? Everything!
The only time I ever received a cheesy, heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day was 15 years ago.
It’s been a hot minute since my last very post, which was a stressed out, verbose and ragey rant. This year has been a whirlwind of activity; a constant go-go-go with all the feelings., this year has been well lived! It has been terribly sad, extremely joyful, overwhelming, peaceful, beautiful, messy, scary and full of fucking love. Update since last post – we’re in the house, yes, it is ours but before we could all make it here, Jennifer lost her little shadow. Yes, our darling little Fossil got so tired. It happened very quickly and it’s been very, very sad and difficult. I do plan a proper eulogy for her, I’m just giving myself time to mourn, it’s been such a big loss. With that said, I think moving into a new location has made it a little easier as it’s not so familiar.
Just because I strive to find and share everything lovely and good in my life doesn’t mean I don’t encounter the bad and the ugly too. This balance is what makes life real and while this blog is designed to highlight the good; I would be remiss if I did not share the whole story, which as you know sometimes has not so lovely parts. This is going to be a very lengthy post. I am feeling extremely angry right now and need to recount and share. Please feel free to give your opinion of the events in this post.
Last year Jennifer and I decided that 2016 was going to be the year we purchased our first home. We prequalified in late March and then started our search in early June. The market was really tough for us to navigate. Homes that we liked/placed offers on were getting scooped up right up; low inventory and a flooded market equaled quite a few tearful days & nights and a few seriously cranky moments. We also ran into issues with sellers agents and the entire adventure really just became quite messy.
Rewind to eleven days ago when we met our new realtor to view two listings, one, a pocket listing in Belchertown that was an absolute no and the second, a darling, if not dated yellow ranch in South Hadley. The South Hadley home literally made us go “ahhhh” when we walked inside. The property allowed us to check all but two boxes off of the “must have” and “wish” lists. The home is spacious with a well laid out floor plan, gorgeous hardwood floors throughout, two bedrooms, lots of light, fireplace, gunnite pool and partially finished basement. The lot is small, but it’s on a corner in what seems to be a quiet neighborhood. I like the home and think it is a great “first home” for Jennifer and I.
After brief negotiations our offer was accepted on Monday, August 1st. This morning we had our home inspection and it was mostly uneventful; just a few things we will likely ask the seller to take care of prior to close (a few electrical elements that need to be brought to code, chimney cleaning, etc.) We will wait for the official report to come back before having our attorney review the P&S. We are presently trying to breathe and not panic while we take in the enormity of the task(s) at hand while we wait for homework from our loan processor.
There will be so many perks to purchasing this home in South Hadley. Lover will be closer to work, we will have Internet(!), be on town water/sewer and we will be closer to the people and places we love.
I’m feeling wistful and a little anxious at the same time! I keep reminding myself it’s “wonder not worry,” something my beloved therapist Robin always used to say. I want to be mindful and present through this process. It’s about to get really crazy up here in the Mandigo-Lewis lives, I think I’m going to take a moment to breathe before I go all in.
We’ve got a shoot tomorrow morning in Whately and I’m finishing up last weekends session this weekend, so right now is the perfect time to be still + quiet. There is a big fat cat sprawled on the couch between us and our oldest dog, Fossil’s stomach is making random strange noises; her snoring may rival her mothers. (She says most affectionately!) We are taking a moment to breathe. I don’t know what the weather is like where you are but here in Western Massachusetts it’s a day I would consider perfect; rain shine, breezy, warm with cool winds…the most perfect light…really kinda perfect. I’m going to enjoy it, take a minute to relax.
We’re buying a freaking house, I’m over-the-moon happy! Please don’t mind my sudden blow up of pinning on Pinterest; we’ve got projects! I’m sure I’ll be keeping the Captain’s log along the way.
Happy weekending.
It seems like we just blinked and then our dog was old. Really. I mean she’s been slower for some time and gray around the muzzle and sleepier than usual but it seems like all of the sudden, in a literal blink of an eye her age caught up with her.
A few nights ago her legs splayed out (think Bambi) on our hard wood floors and for all her might she could not get up from the position. It’s age and muscle atrophy and the incident weighed heavily on my mind that night. I brought my feelings up to my wife (and Fossil’s mum) the next day. She had been thinking about it too.
This morning I was in the bathroom showering and getting ready and when I came out she was panting heavily in a puddle of urine. She couldn’t get out of it and she was panicking like crazy. I’m not sure what happened first, if she peed and couldn’t get up or if she could t get up and peed while trying so hard — either way it was a heartbreaking moment for me.
I gently scooped her up and carried her in for a bath. I love our bath times, that sweet act of care for a beast. While she was feisty as ever (not the only sign that she’s still got a lot of life left in her) she seemed to enjoy the gentle puppy massage. It’s really one of my favourite 1:1 times with her.
My lover and I have discussed that, at this point we must weigh out the good & bad days and love, love, love her through all of them.
everything lovely & good 