everything lovely & good

excerpts of a real life with fairytale moments

My Year: 2011 in Review

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December 30, 2011

I’m not sure it’s right proper to say that this year totally blew, since you know, I’m alive and kicking and all, with a roof over my head and a heart that’s broken but still beating. So I’ll just say that I was not a fan of 2011, not one bit, no, not at all. It sucked and my heart broke again and again and I struggled and I fought with myself and with others.

There were moments of joy and I know I would be remiss to discount them, it just seemed that this year, the bad outweighed the good in terrible measures. In an effort to ring 2012 in on positive note I’ve decided that instead of reminiscing about what we lost in 2011 I’d rather review what we/I gained, what I did and what was good.

This January found us living in a new apartment, our second ever home in five years of living together. We all survived the move well, though the hallway closet survived it with a splash of yellow paint. I will never forget the ‘movers’ faces when they realized we didn’t have big stuff, like furniture, only little stuff like thousands of heavy boxes.I was a lucky one and survived the blizzard that created 8-10-12 hour evening commutes in January. My commute took only 30 minutes, I was so very grateful!

In February I turned thirty-two years old! We went bowling, traveled to Philly for a tattoo convention and I dyed my hair completely blonde for the first time! We visited Maryland and went to the American Visionary Arts Museum in Baltimore, enjoyed theScience Museum and dined at the Rusty Scupper. This month I had my first ever “Rock the Dress” session — it was a blast! I was a brunette again by the end of February.. you know, always so indecisive.

March found us celebrating Jennifer’s thirty-ninth birthday. I photographed I soldier and his daughter in our Nation’s Capital. We also went to see Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat, which, was surprisingly fun and good!

In April I totally tied one on at Fashion for Paws — which was a complete luxury and blast.The rest of April was really awful, May seemed to be endless and sad and it wasn’t until the end of June when things started to turn around again. The best part about the month of may was a trip down to Polyface Farms, truly an extraordinary place.

Mid-June found us proud and happy at the Baltimore Pride Festival. Later that month we hit a few of the museums in DC. My favourite was the RACE exhibit, enlightening, troubling and well done.

Jennifer and I celebrated our fifth anniversary in July. I made my first ever blueberry pie in July…and though it wasn’t gorgeous, it was pretty tasty.

We finally made it back to Maine in August, took Atticus for his first ever long car trip and he did pretty well. Things were very difficult when we got back, but we had a small reprieve when we went to see Wicked on its last night at the Kennedy Center. It was then we survived a 5.8 earthquake, crazy, right?! Well not crazy enough because we survived Hurricane Irene shortly after that.

In September Getty Images selected a few of my photographs and I saw and heard Ellis for the first time at the Cooper’s House in Columbia. I also helped my Aunt harvest her vineyard, perhaps for the last time ever.

In October I saw Ani DiFranco at the historic Sixth & I Synagogue in Washington, DC with my friend and fellow Ani lover, Jenn G. Lover bought me a vintage suitcase and we watched all three Paranormal Activities.

I started November as a red-head. We made the trek to PA to bid a proper farewell, it was a beautiful fall day.. I entered my first ever pie contest and made two different pies; my first ever apple and a sweet potato pie as well. We also went to the opening night of Twilight, Breaking Dawn.. and that was unreal, amazing and the best date night in a very long time. Lover had successful surgery in November and we shared our first ever Thanksgiving alone, twas really quite lovely.

December found me feeling hopeful and ready for the year to be over. We got a tree and started a new Christmas tradition: A visit to the National Christmas Tree and dinner at Old Ebbit Grill on Christmas Eve. I was very spoiled for Christmas this year and it was really nice…

It’s nice to first make a list of what was good this year, for it seems like this year was epically tragic. Just as remiss as I would be not to mention the good stuff, I must, I feel at least pay tribute to the souls we lost. Therefore, without going into much dramatic detail I will dedicate this post to Ruth, to my paternal grandfather Ron Mandigo, to my beautiful and beloved Carrie, to our sweet kitties Petunia and Gertrude, to my friend Amber’s mom – Wanda, to my love’s father on his journey to beat cancer, to Dr. Salmon on her journey to beat breast Cancer, to my mama’s beautiful cat Sasha and lastly, to our very cool fish Merlin.

Tonight is the night before New Years Eve eve; it was a very busy, hectic but good day at work. In a few moments lover is going to pick me up and we’ll head to the Silver Diner for Dinner… I’m thinking I’m in the mood for French Toast and French Fries. I’m going out with a big elastic bang… because next year I really am going to stick to that exercise gig. Really.

Stay tuned for more 2012 intentions…

Recipe: Hot Crab Dip

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November 28, 2011

This is so delightful and yummy, especially on a chilly day. Great for tailgating, parties, appetizers or maybe when you’re totally pmsing! 😉  Can be served with bread or veggies!

Ingredients:

1 package (8-oz) cream cheese
2 tablespoons heavy cream
2 green onions, finely chopped
2 teaspoons horseradish
1 can (4½ oz) lump crab meat, rinsed and drained
¼ cup Parmesan cheese

Directions:

1. Heat oven to 375°F. Butter a small, shallow baking dish. Mix cream cheese, cream, green onion and horseradish until well combined. Fold in crab meat. Transfer mixture to prepared dish. Smooth top; sprinkle with cheese.
2. Bake 20 minutes until hot and bubbly

Nutritional Information Per Serving: Net Carbs: 1.5 grams Fiber: 0 grams Protein: 6 grams Fat: 12 grams Calories: 138  — Makes 8 servings!

weighing in

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November 27, 2011

It seems so very àpropos ruminating about weight so closely after the biggest gorge-yourself-because-you-can holiday.  I’ve been unhappy with mine for some time now, which is not a surprise since it has fluctuated greatly for much of my life.  When it comes to height I’m a little spit of a thing, reaching 5 ft on a good day and I’ve never been a waif, no, I’m a meaty, muscle-bound chick with huge tata’s that has some oomph to her already.

In the early days of life (I’ll be 33 next February) I was never really slender, or thin.  That pressure led to an eating disorder early on beginning when I was 16ish and lasting through my late twenties.  I struggled back and forth with restricting and bingeing and purging and then at times, just bingeing with dreams of dying fat in a big double coffin.   My largest weight was  160 lbs and my lowest was 95. Though weight and body-image were a big issue for me; these inappropriate behaviours also developed because of some emotional issues/baggage that I carried.  It was all just one big ticking bomb of badness.

I have always known what healthy eating is, I just never chose it.  Well, in 2006 I fell in love and it was clear to my lover (we were living long distance) that my weight was fluctuating — greatly!  It was a hard discussion between us but one of the healthiest I’ve ever had with a lover.  Something just clicked inside and I made the decision to stop the badness and live healthily.   I did so very a very long time, gaining, of course a few happy pounds in the early years of our relationship — I was still very comfortable with my weight.  We quit smoking together and started buying and eating organically  and we even began working out together.  Now, I’ll note that I’ve never worked out a day in my life before I met my partner — it just wasn’t my gig — ever.   Since we’ve begun working out it’s only been sporadic and I’ll admit, I’ve had a really hard time sticking with it and I could probably come up with one hundred excuses of why; in fact, I will: I sustained a hip injury back at the beginning of this year and this has been a really crappy year.  It’s been full of death and I am an emotional eater so I’ve eaten my face off.  I’m not happy with my body.  I turned thirty and my hips grew all round and curvy and making their mark.  I’m not happy with the current number.  It’s only sixteen pounds from where I think I would feel comfortable but it’s been really hard to obtain…and now I’m whining because it really does suck.

Truth is I just need to make another decision, it is very clear to me that I am going to have to work hard to be where I want/need to be.  This means being steadfast in the gym and possibly–okay definitely sacrificing some of my treats, i.e., soy with whip pumpkin spice lattes. Le sigh.  How do you do this when you know you’re depressed and it’s hard some days to even just get out of bed? How do you stand up to a year that has just driven you deeper into the ground? I guess you do that by acknowledging it… or at least that’s what I think you do. . .

My best friend died so very young this year… and I feel very deeply that I have to live and live well because she cannot, because she did not…  but that also feels like a great big challenge, when I’m still grieving her loss as well as the other losses we’ve experienced this year.  Maybe this year just needs to end… but for some reason deep down inside, I know this isn’t the right answer.

Categories: life•

every night a different dream

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October 26, 2011

I’ve been a crazy dreamer for the last few months.  Odd, weird, senseless, amusing and scary – you name it and I’ve probably dreamt it.   This past weekend I had my very first dream of Carrie.  It was all wrapped up in a weird dream with scary things and then >poof< there she came, driving up an unknown drive-way to me in my sister’s very first car.  I’d like to follow that by noting that I do not believe I ever saw my little sister’s first ever car, in the flesh at least, for some reason I only remember it from a picture.  I was living up north when she acquired it.   Anyhow,  Carrie drove up and did not look like I last remembered her, rather how I remember her when we were much younger.   She sat in a corner in a big arm-chair in a room I didn’t recognize and her face crumpled and she began to cry.  I said, “What’s wrong babe?” and she covered her face and said “I’m so sorry I missed dinner.”    I awoke immediately after that.

Carrie and I were going to try to do dinner in March the month before she died and I never wrote back to her on Facebook.   I don’t know if this means anything and I understand that this is my subconscious providing me with the dream but it felt very real to me.   There are folks that will disagree with me that it is a sign, but my heart screams differently and my guts tell me that  I’m right.

I had breakfast with her mama the other morning; it’s always so good to see her, albeit with moments of great sorrow.  She admitted that she had told Carrie to stay away from me in our youth, a confession that stings even though I know I’m a long way from the girl I was back then.   It has been a little troubling to me at times that we were maybe not the best influences on each other — but we loved each other with such loyalty and at times, I know I was the only one that could have understood where she was and vice versa.

It is still very painful.   I am still having a really hard time and feel quite strongly that this is something I will never get over.   It’s so strange how emotional hurt can manifest itself so physically; dry throat, heavy heart and skin that feels so raw.

Next Wednesday is All Saints Day, or, Día de los Muertos, The Day of the Dead.   I’ve already been approved for the day off and think that I may travel the four hours up to Carrie’s grave site to pay my respects… I’m working on a gift for her grave and plan on bringing some of the sunflower seeds from her sunflower we grew to plant around the area…

love and memories

everythinglovelyandgood

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October 11, 2011

I’m still having a really difficult time with the loss of my best friend.  Memories like this one in this photo above are so tangible that I ache inside. Those visceral feelings make it hard for me to remember that she is dead. She is actually gone and never coming back.  I feel like I have to teach myself that she is gone and it is really hard.

A lesson in asking… and receiving

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October 11, 2011

Lets face it, with all the Occupy (insert your state here) protests going on these days, money and the distribution of it is on a lot of folks minds.   Frankly, money is always on my mind.  How much we have, the lack of it, how to get save, how to get more, you get the picture.  I understand the importance of working for a living and am not a lazy person but I am also not opposed to playing the lottery or, well, in this instance maybe a little magic.

I learned a money chant earlier this summer that I did consecutively for a few days until we had a small amount of luck befall us that helped us immensely.   I stopped saying the chant but found the piece of paper I had written it down on  a couple weeks ago and resumed chanting: “A money miracle happens to me today.”   Just once a day you know, in the morning when I get up.  Well, suffice to say nothing has happened for some time but this last weekend I walked into Giant to buy some Candy Corn for an art project and took in with me exactly $4.00.   Well, the total came out to $4.10 and I wasn’t so sure I actually had the dime in my car, but was certain maybe I had at least ten pennies.  Since I was in the self-checkout lane I called the attendant over and let her know and she said, oh, wait, someone just left a dime over there. Voila.  A small pay-out, but a pay-out none-the-less… or maybe it’s just luck or fate.  Either way it has me thinking pretty hard about the wealth and benefits of  daily positive thinking and not just about money (for I know I’m wealthy in many ways) but about everything in life.

Categories: life•

small dose of gratitude

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October 8, 2011

It’s been a minute since I’ve shared some ‘out loud’ gratitude…

tonight I’m grateful for:

the weekend with a beautiful forecast                                                                                                 dove chocolate caramels                                                                                                                          kitten heartbeats                                                                                                                                      good memories (even if they make me a little sad)                                                                        my beautiful girlfriend (lets hope she feels better soon!)                                                                making it through the day with PMS (hey did I mention chocolate caramels?)                         good poetry

Goodbye Gertrude

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August 20, 2011

You know, Miss Ruth was a lady. And a lady always knows when to leave. (Fried Green Tomatoes)

Four months shy of her eighteenth birthday we said so long to our beloved kitty Gertrude.   Gertrude was a beautiful, spunky, bright-eyed tortoiseshell cat-dog with just the right mix of ‘tortitude’, generous love and affection, a kitty vocal range of historic proportions and a soul you would only expect an angel to have.

My sweetheart Jennifer raised Gertrude (known as: Miss. Rude, Rude, Gert, Gertie, Gert-girl and champion log roller) since she was an itty bitty kitty.  She was born in December 1993 and in her almost 18 years was sick only once with a small cold.  Gert was the epitome of a cat dog, those of you who have known one will understand what that means immediately.   For those of you who don’t, it’s just as it sounds, Gertrude lived in a cat body and had a dog heart.

Gertie was a New England lady, just like her late sister Petunia.  She was rescued free from a pet store in Massachusetts and resided in 13 different homes in her lifetime.  She loved dogs, her best friend forever was a scruffy pup I never had the pleasure of meeting, my beloved’s “Dickens”.    She ruled the roost in our home and our tribe of animals all had a silent respect for her.

Ms. Rude came into my life in October 2006 when I went to visit Jennifer for the first time in Oxford, Massachusetts.  Jenn had warned me that Gert was a ‘champion log roller’, meaning that when she wanted to be on your lap, there was no way you were ever going to get her off of you. That being said,  sitting on your lap was never really good enough for her,  Gertie loved face time; she wanted to be right in your face, on your chest sharing heartbeats together.   She loved to be loved and loving her was such an easy thing to do

We arrived home from vacation last Sunday to a very tired kitty.   She had been ailing just a bit, declining because of her age –  getting old is hard, you know?   Unlike her sister Petunia, Gert’s departure was very quick and though the decision to ease her suffering was easy – the loss is just so hard.

For a tiny cat she had a big presence and she will be missed very much, more than words could possibly express.


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