everything lovely & good

excerpts of a real life with fairytale moments

I am grieving the loss of my most beautiful and beloved friend Carrie.   We lost her this weekend.   My heart is utterly broken with this tragic news and I am besides myself with a grief I have never before experienced.  My heart and thoughts are with her little brother and family.

Our lives were tangled up for seventeen years.  She was the longest friend I’ve ever had and known.   She saved me countless times, mostly from myself.  My story could never be complete without her.  I love you so much, Carrie.

code purple

fast forward
it’s only 8 days
54 phone convos
that will
include
all the senses
237 hours sounds so short
it’s a test (a test, damnit, a test!)
do you think you can handle?
want to compare prices
at the grocery store?
be thrift store angels?
play house?
so you think you can dance?
i surely can’t wait
don’t want no dear john letter
i see a brighter future
you flow, i flow
we have mad current
balcony moments
and a universe that speaks
in thunder

these are my confessions

I just want to devour you
starting with the skin
around your nails
eat you up till I’m so full
I’ll burst
and maybe only then
you’ll know
just how much you fill me
hope, laughter, happiness
all ingredients
for a good splatter pattern

do steak-knives give you goosebumbs
the way they make me cringe
skin so clammy, cold and diaphoretic
almost lost to the great state of shock

did you lie awake all night like i did
after the last footstep went out the door
shaking, shivering, scared
no longer of you, but me?

now it’s the anger, pulling at me like the tide
growing strong, so fucking pissed
where was that girl I knew
who didn’t take any shit

the anger-energy is dangerous
but I think just what I need
to wipe the smoke from the mirror
and see the girl i used to be

lyrical support in re-building
a happier, safer me
desperation long gone
but still sometimes so painful in memory

someone once said I could be extraordinary
..in the right hands..
today I looked at my own
..and thought yes, I am.

time after time

468 days since i wrote code purple
or 1 year, 3 months and 10 days
normal happy living what an ‘effin concept

the mad crazy current continues
the fish and the water bearer
two women with big souls
living happy
living real

so.. you want some tots?

51 days after our beloved Petunia was diagnosed with pleomorphic round cell cancer we can officially say that she is in remission.  We’re over the moon about it.  It’s truly a blessing to finally have your pet back.  Yes, she still has cancer and will be treated but it’s great to know that our course of treatment for her is working.

Thanks for all the well wishes.

I haven’t updated about Petunia in eons and I’d like to say that’s because she’s doing very well, which, I am happy to report, she is!  I’ve also been über busy with everything else that’s going on, maybe they call that life?  Whatever it is, I am most certainly grateful for it, for I know I have a good one.

So the last time I left off in the Petunia saga she was going for her first CCNU treatment.   She did fantastic — her blood work was great, several of her lower levels had risen the only thing that is not rising is her RBC count, but our wonderful doctor, who we’ll just call Auntie Melissa said that it might take a while for that to come back.   Petunia is now over her cold, she is staying out with the other cats during the day and sleeping with her mommies at night.  Not only that but . .. she looks really, really good.   She’s frisky and I’m pleased with all of her progress.   I have had to learn how to give her pred. injections which is really hard for me, I’m such a spaz and I know I get her a little worked up over it because she feeds off my crazy energy, but we’re working with it.  We had a little scare over a pet food recall on the canned food she was eating however since she does not get it has her primary food in the end we were not as concerned as the first, WTF, can’t she get a break!

I feel this has brought my love and I a little closer, not that we were ever far apart, but I think these things have a  tendency to grow any love – one way or the other.  I have, however, been very hurt by my sister and really only familial ally.   She knows Petunia is sick and she’s not even called to see how she is.   She has to know this is hard for me and if she doesn’t I have let her know and she’s still not around.    It’s very hurtful.  I am afraid it is something I won’t ever be able to forgive, especially if her selfishness continues.

Code Purple has really taken off, in this her second year.   I am so excited about it.  I have a few deadlines but I’m trying to revamp the site before it’s one year anniversary as well as drop a spring special and (shhh) sweet Mother’s Day Contest.   All this while tending to my day job, our home front, the babies and of course stoking the fires of l-o-v-e.   (which you probably didn’t want to know!)

Here’s a few photos of Tuna. . . she’s such a pretty baby!    Wish us luck today… I am hoping to see at least one new pound and great numbers on her CBC.   (a medical miracle happens to me today — my mantra)

Happy Hump Day!

 

What will Petunia want to eat today?  I feel like every other minute I’m trying to shove food in her face because if she’s eating it’s a good sign, right?   Laughably I just broke writing this to stalk her in the kitchen to see if she wanted something to eat.   *Sigh*  Jennifer uses this voice for Petunia and mimics “damn mom get that outta my face.”  Sure it’s funny but I’m not sure what else to do.

She looks so puny today.  So again the question is. . . sardines, chicken, herring, mackerel, salmon – pâté or gravy… or maybe just a couple treats.  What do you want to eat sweet Tuna Pie?

(two hours until our meeting with the oncologist)

I’ve been moody.  Actually, I’m a hot mess and a moody bitch.    I can totally see and feel it and still, I don’t know how to stop.

I know that we’re not the only people who have ever had to face a serious illness with our pet.  I know this because it’s my job to assuage other people’s fears about getting the devastating news that their pet is critically ill.   I am that soothing voice on the other end of the specialty hospital when you call and want to schedule an appointment for an Oncologist, Internist, Radiologist or Surgeon.    I’m really good at what I do but I don’t know how to make myself feel better.

Lately I am consumed with thoughts of Petunia, she has been having some really bad days.  This past weekend she showed signs of a cold.  Sneezing, swallowing, clear snot bubbles out her nose.   She was still eating, but seeing her catch this cold with an already depressed immune system sucks.   It’s likely a cold caught from stress of the previous week.   I was like.. hey, seriously folks, she’s got cancer, please cut her a little slack!   Sunday was the worst day.  She looked so puny and fragile and her once kitten face suddenly has caught up to her in age.   I talked to work and we’ve put her on two more medications.  An appetite stimulant and then another drug that I believe will help at least build a little more immunity for her.   Tonight was her second day on that and it doesn’t look like she feels any better, but last night she looked amazing?  It’s so damn frustrating.

Tomorrow is our first appointment with the Oncologist.   We will hopefully find out exactly what Petunia has and what our treatment options are.   Tonight Jennifer said that with an illness like this it comes down to counting the good days and bad days.   I don’t want to think about that, I think I’d rather just be angry now, but I suppose that doesn’t help her at all.

Though venting feels good I know that I need to end on a somewhat positive note, so today I am grateful for:  Petunia eating, Sushi, Chocolate cake, a good laugh at work with some of my favourite co-workers, kisses from our pups, a lover who’s honest with me, a great photography consultation, surprise package from my mama and very soon my bed.

I’ll leave you with a sneak peek from my most recent shoot.   I love the contrast of her white satin dress and the rugged combat boots. 

Petunia has been on the steroid prednisone since she was diagnosed with cancer on Monday.   Her appetite has increased and she has a coy little tail swish going on.   She also had her first chemotherapy appointment yesterday and all went well, she did great.  They treated her with Vincristine, a broad spectrum chemotherapy drug.  She got a little poke from a butterfly needle and an antibiotic shot that will last for two weeks.

We are all scheduled for an initial appointment with the Oncologist next Wednesday at 11am.   We’re hoping she gains another pound before the appointment.  She’s been eating really well.   Petunia likes fish…so she’s getting all the yummy, stinky stuff we can get our hands on.   Last night she shared some shrimp with us and she loved it.

We have never slept with our door open.  Our policy has always been no pets in the bedroom overnight…because if we did allow them, well, needless to say there would be no space on the bed for us.   However,  because we want her to feel free to eat as much as she wants (and feel safe and comfortable) we’ve allowed her to sleep with us.   It’s so yummy having a little kitty in the bed again and she has to be feeling better because that girls motor is l-o-u-d.

I’m really glad this week is over.   I picked up the late shift tonight and where it wasn’t as crazy as I thought it might be on a full-moon Friday in the animal ER; we had our moments.    Tomorrow is Code Purple’s first session of the year, I am very excited, it’s an unusual “Rock the Dress” session.  Something I have always wanted to do.

 

 

Monday morning I woke to a sweet pink pot of Gerber daisies from my lover.   I prefer a live plant over fresh-cut flowers any day.

We had also decided that we wanted to have our second oldest kitty, Petunia looked at.   Her gums were a bit pale on Sunday and we have noticed weight-loss.

Jennifer and I both work for specialty vets, so we are extraordinarily lucky to have sensational medical care at our disposal when we need it.  Which is great because we have so many pets.   My job gives a very rich pet benefit that is such an amazing perk and I was quite happy to take my pretty girl in and show her off.   I have a great doctor, she’s amazingly smart and I trust her with my pets completely so I was glad she said she would take a look.

Throughout the day I got updates on her condition.  First that her PCV was extraordinarily low.   PCV is the proportion of blood volume that is occupied by red blood cells.   The norm for kitties is usually 35 so her Doctor decided to do an ultrasound as well.   I gave permission to them to shave her little tummy, asking comedically that they wouldn’t shave off her little bimpies (hey, I had to lighten the situation for myself!)   I did enter the u/s room and another one of my favourite doctors noted that her liver and spleen were both three times their normal size.   At this point I wasn’t sure exactly what all of this means…but it sounded scary and my heart began to beat and all I could think of was talking to Jenn, because maybe, with her smarts, she could help me make a little sense or what I was being told.

Now, I have been Peutnia’s mum for about the last four and half years.   When Jennifer and I joined together in 2006 we each had three cats, Jenn also had a pup, so we really did kind of make a brady bunch family.   We have acquired a few more pets on our journey as well… but that’s really another a story for another day.

After reaching and speaking with Jenn she noted that it was probably the big C.   I felt terribly upset and discombobulated.  Unsure of what to do, trying to keep it together, hurting for her, my love.. for us.

The doctor spoke with me at work and noted we could put her on a steroid, probably prednisone and it might entice her appetite.

The next day the cytology report came back and it was inconclusive, though it noted four different possible cancers.   I asked if there was a time line, something I really wished I could reel back in and was given the prognosis of 6-12 weeks.    I believe this was the timeline that was given if we just kept her on the steroids.

Wednesday I had another doctor, an oncologist look at her cytology and she became very interested.  She want’s to see the cells (that we took during the aspirate) herself so she can possibly categorize the cancer so we can find an proper treatment for her.   In the meantime, today she is going for her first chemotherapy treatment, Vincristine.  It is a broad spectrum drug that doesn’t live in the body very long, so if we do find out what it is and need to start another treatment it will be easier to switch.

Last night as Axle Rose’s version of Knockin’ on Heaven’s door came over the restaurant speakers I cried salty tears into my second pomarita as Jenn described what the vincristine would do in the body to help fight her terrible cancer.

Petunia is very sick; her tiny, petite frame is sitting, purring on my lap as I write this.    I’ve decided it might be cathartic for me to tell her story as she goes through treatment.

I’m going to get in the shower now and then she and I will be off to work.   I really never thought that I would be bringing one of our pets into the Oncology department at work.  I walk through every single morning and say hi to the babies… I feel grateful that I work where I do.  The women in our Oncology department are known as the “Onco B’s”  their manager is a bee keeper, and well… they might be known for their attitudes once in a while too.  :o)  But that all stems because they love their patients and take their work so very seriously.  I can say I’ve never called ’em that.  I just have immense respect for what they do, even more-so now.

Here is a photo of our beloved Petunia.  It was taken in January, just a few short weeks ago.   She looks beautiful and like nothing is wrong, and in classic Petunia fashion she is crossing her paws, like the lady she is.

So my pretty little pot o daisies feels quite symbolic to me.  Like the flowers in ET.  I’ve never had a green thumb really…but I feel determined to keep these flowers alive for as long as I can.